My mother died. Last year. It was such a shock, so sudden. I felt like an onion; every day a new layer of grief, of retrieved lost memories would unfold. It was all I could do to just keep going. And as an entrepreneur one has no choice. It’s my business, if I don’t work, I don’t earn. I had no choice but to keep going.

This is a very personal blog. And I guess that’s why I have written nothing, or next to nothing in over a year. How personal does one go with a professional blog? Would it be of relevance or interest to readers?

I think it is. A good percentage of my clients are people who have, or are going through, grief. It could be the loss of a loved one, but it could just as equally be the end of a marriage or career. And the majority of my clients are working professionals who run their own businesses. I can tell how long an individual has left it before seeking help just by the type of chaos that accumulates. It could be months, a couple of years or a decade. It’s usually a decade though. A decade of things building up, dreams being put on the back burner and health issues being ignored.

I remember the moment when it first hit me that my mother wasn’t just ill but was about to die. It was like my whole soul turned to dust. I explained to my clients what was happening and that I would have to postpone our work. They were amazing and so understanding.

I knew from my experience of working with people who had lost a loved one that piles build up, things get lost and before you know it you are surrounded and engulfed in documents, To-Do lists and chaos. I run my own business, an organizing business no less. I could not afford to fall behind. I also wanted to be able to be fully with my family at this time and not worry about my business. The biggest struggle with being self-employed is creating boundaries between your personal and professional life.

And so, a year later I am sitting down to write this blog.Of course the loss of my mother will always be with me. A client of mine put it this way: “Grief is like this backpack you are carrying, that you will carry your whole life. It’s always there. Some days it feels like you are carrying a backpack of bricks and other days it’s just lip balm”. Up until now it’s just been bricks I have been carrying. I so appreciate the days when it’s as light as lip balm.

There’s all kinds of help out there when you are struggling with grief and loss. But there’s little or nothing about how keep the day to day practicality of living your life together. Or even what to expect, what to be on guard for. The following are just some tips that I think you might find useful if you have been through or are going through a deep loss and feel like you are loosing control of the basic skills in managing your life.

MEMORY:

I found that my memory was no longer reliable (actually it’s still goes blank occassionally) and this causes enormous anxiety and problems…. particularly if you have arranged to meet someone, a potential client say, and you have no idea where you wrote down their number and address, to let them know you are running late (because you can’t find your keys!). It is important to keep everything in one place – a note book.

Get a note book. I like the one by Blueline (A9 Series) because it’s hard-backed and you can open it flat. Then get some of those tabs Avery sells called Note Tabs. In the front of this book you will write any messages, conversations, addresses of where you need to go, phone numbers etc. There is a space at the top right hand of the page for putting the date – make sure you do this every time you start a new page. Then halfway or so into the book put a stick-on tab that says “To Do’s”. This is where you will write your To Do’s. Again when you write a To Do list date it at the top right.

I also have an app on my iPhone for shopping because I would go blank when I got to the grocery store and come home with the oddest things. This way when I entered my drugstore or supermarket I would check my shopping list app and see what I needed.

If you have everything in one place then when you forget, which you will do a lot of, you know where to look.

DECISION MAKING

Another major problem that affects even the most mundane moments. It’s quite amazing how hard it is to make a decision when you are in a fog. Create some rules for yourself. Here are some that helped me.

Perishable Items:

At the beginning of every month go through your fridge and kitchen cupboards and dump anything that is past it’s sell by date. Don’t “if, and or but” yourself over this just do it. The goal here is to prevent a situation getting out of control. You don’t want to labour it – it’s a rule and a routine – do it and move on.

Housework:

This is a hard one. Housework never ends but during times of grief and loss it quickly gets out of control. If you don’t have a cleaner and can’t afford one then each week focus on one room, deep clean it and maintain it that week. Then the next week focus on another room. Maintaining a tidy house is easier if you know the deep cleaning is being done on a rotation basis.

Laundry:

Not only could I not decide what to wear but I couldn’t decide if I needed to wash it, iron it or purge it! I am not usually this anal but when you can’t decide what to wear because you don’t know how you feel because you are not sure that last time you felt anything then pulling out the “Martha Stewart” is not a bad thing. I did this simple thing in my wardrobe that really helped me. I categorised my wardrobe in the usual way one would (trousers, skirts, dresses, shirts etc) but then I organized them by colour. I did this with everything and it really helped me put an outfit together on the worst of days.

If you can’t face doing your laundry then drop it off somewhere to be done. It comes back all sorted, folded and perfect looking – and seriously you can’t put a price on that.

PAPER MANAGEMENT:

Paper and document management is a massive problem for everyone so its even more challanging during these times. You need to have a system in place for paper management. I can’t stress this enough. It is neigh on impossible to manage papers when you are in emotional upheaval let alone make a decision about them. Spend the money early on, on getting someone in to put a filing system in place. If you can’t find what you want in five seconds the method you are using is not working. If you do this early on it will be a fraction of the cost financially and emotionally than doing it two, five or ten years later. Opening up old wounds when you have finally found peace is doubly heartbreaking and takes ten times longer to sort (and therefore ten times more expensive). So get a paper management system in place.

When mail comes in break it down into two categories. One will be “Actionable” – i.e. a bill that needs to be paid, an event that has to be scheduled, a letter mailed. The other will be “Filing” – i.e. bank statements, manuals, warranties, cards etc. Don’t make it any more complicated than that. It’s hard to make a decision about something you don’t have a feeling for. So don’t. You just need to be able to find it. When the filing tray is full then file it away (which will be easy because the system you have in place takes care of that). Every day go through your actionable drawer/box and do what makes sense that day to do.

Newspapers, magazines and fliers:

Keep them one month and then recycle. I know you think you would like to read them when you have more time, or they’ll be good for future reference, or you think of someone you want to send the article to. But you won’t and you will just add to your sense of overwhelment and guilt. The grieving process can take years. And you need to put yourself first here… not something that really belongs on a “one day”  To Do list. Again, the goal here is  to prevent something getting out of control. Every month recycle newspapers, magazines and fliers etc.. that you have had a month.

TIME:

I had no sense of time – at all. Also I would get to the end of a day and it would seem like I had done nothing. When it came to scheduling clients I miscalculated how long it would take to get to their businesses. Or I would show up on the wrong day. I remember waiting in a doctors waiting room for over two hours before I realised I had come on the wrong day! I was so sure I was meant to be there, I never properly checked in – just said “Hi” and sat down.

Day Timer – doesn’t matter whether you have a smart phone or a wall calander – write it down. Then at the start of each day check to make sure you know what day it is. You can confirm this via your computer or smart phone. Sounds horrifying but time kind of morphs and you do have to make sure you know what day it is. Once you know the day and date then look over your schedule  so that you get a spatial awareness of what’s ahead.

Also I found writing everything I did into my schedule very useful. Because I would forget how long ago I had spoken with someone. Even if I was just out and about doing errands – I would mark it in my schedule. If I got together with a friend, I would put it in my schedule (even after we met). It’s just difficult to tell what happened recently and what happened…. well a year ago.

INVOICING:

This has got to be a well oiled machine. I invested in a great invoicing system that is web based and very user friendly Freshbooks. I would not have been able to stay on top off things had I not had such a system in place. My billings went out on time, clients got billed for the right days, times and supplies and I could do it from anywhere.

It’s hard going through loss but when you have to run and maintain a business on top of that… well it’s really hard. And I can say that now from personal experience. I was fortunate that I knew from working with and organizing individuals that I would  have challenging times ahead in keeping my business running smoothly. So I got all my systems, processes and environments in shape and today my business is thriving, my clients are happy and I was able to take personal time out for myself, my family and the grieving process and still maintain “business as usual”.

Seeing a solution. It’s interesting, I have been thinking about what we really see, what we think we see and how hard it is to see with fresh eyes.  When I begin my work with a client I do literally bring fresh eyes to a situation. I also bring a lot of other skills but it’s what and how I see that separates me from my client.

And until the other day I never really gave it too much examined thought. I was with a client, in her new home. We were working on her home office. She mentioned something about needing a hook for her tea towels in her kitchen. She brought up the subject of her tea towels and the hook quite a few times. She had bought a hook but it was the wrong hook – it didn’t fit on the door beneath her sink. We went into her kitchen and she stood, dumb struck, looking at  the problem of her tea towel. I asked her why she felt she needed a hook for the tea towel? “Well in my old kitchen my hook was right here under the sink. It worked so well for me”.

I asked her why it couldn’t go on the handle of the stove? She looked at her stove as if it were the oddest place to put a tea towel. “But I always kept it on a hook under my sink – it worked well there”. She tried hanging the tea towel on the stove and it worked. And it made sense because it would also dry.

But the interaction over the tea towel really struck me. And over the next couple of days it kept coming back into my mind. What had really happened for my client is that she was “seeing” her old kitchen, relatiing to her old kitchen. It wasn’t that she didn’t know how to organize she just wasn’t seeing with fresh eyes.

We all do it. Think we are seeing but really we are not. Here are some tips on “seeing”

1.  Take a photo of the area in question. Sometimes it helps to look at something through the eyes of a camera.

2.  Itemize every single item in the area. Say it’s a mantlepiece. Write down everything thing that is on it. Including match boxes, pens, bits of paper – everything. I can assure you that when you itemize everything you will realise that in fact you had not seen at least 25% of it.

3.  Don’t group things in your mind when looking. If there are candles on your mantlepiece then count how many.

Let me know how you get on! And drop me a line if you have any questions.

“When I was a young man, I wanted to change the world. I found it difficult to change the world, so I tried to change my nation. When I found I couldn’t change the nation, I began to focus on my town. I couldn’t change my town and as an older man, I tried to change my family. Now, as an old man, I realize the only thing I can change is myself, and suddenly I realized that if long ago I had changed myself, I could have made an impact on my family. My family and I could have made an impact on our town. Their impact could indeed have changed the nation and I could indeed have changed the world.”

Unknown Monk
1100AD

Most people I work with who are excited about change in their life also experience being overwhelmed by the thought of what that change involves. When I work with a client we discuss what’s holding them back, what systems need to be put in place – not just to keep their life moving but expanding. And almost without exception that’s when the first hurdle arrives. The magnitude not just of what needs doing in one’s environment but also within oneself comes clearly into focus. The system, the structure to support the system and the support itself is there because we have put it in place but it is precisely when clarity is allowed a glimpse into reality that the big picture of where you are and where you want to be seems an overwhelming journey.

When we embark on change, whatever that change may be, personal or professional that desire, that passion for change comes from a big place inside of us.   Focusing on the BIG picture and looking at your current reality in the present can lead to a big overwhelm. It is important to know the big picture and keep it in your mind’s eye, kind of like having a lighthouse that guides you and keeps you going in the right direction. But in order to achieve a goal, get where you want to go, you need to focus on where you are and the path in front of you. The work I do is about creating a path of least resistance for your journey. Your work is to keep the passion in your heart.

I have found that quote so helpful because for me it reminds me to take care of the details, take care of myself because then that guiding passion and light wont go out.

Yesterday I had the perfect excuse to go for my first drive in a car on my own! I was so looking forward to it. I needed to pick up some supplies for a client in north Toronto and drop them off to her home in east Toronto and following that I had a meeting not too far away. It was ideal. I got into the car and made my virgin voyage odyssey. I drove to the store, picked up the supplies and then headed east to her house. I couldn’t believe how easy everything seemed with a car. I drove up her street, saw her driveway and drove up. I thought to myself “Wow, this is so cool!” I did a flawless reverse out of the driveway when I had dropped everything off and headed to my meeting. The whole day was perfect, blue skies, hardly any traffic – couldn’t have been happier. When I returned home I dropped my client a quick note saying I had left her supplies in her back garden on the glass table.

My computer made a sound informing me a message had come in… from my client marked URGENT. “How odd? I wonder what’s up?” I read her message. “We don’t have a glass table in our back garden” Blimey!!!!! Where the +%$#@ had I left her things! I mean I distinctly remember driving into her driveway. I am sure it was her driveway. Turns out it wasn’t. I had left all her things in a complete strangers back garden. The stranger happened to be a friend and neighbour of my client so all worked out well.

But here’s why I mention this: I had only ever approached someone’s house as a passenger or pedestrian. I had never driven up a driveway. Until yesterday evening all driveways looked alike to me. Of course I didn’t realise that all driveways looked alike to me but obviously they did or I wouldn’t have driven up a complete strangers driveway, unloaded my car and made the few trips back and forth to their back garden dropping strange boxes off onto their glass table. I have no idea what they thought looking out at my happy face.

When we take on a new role, be it as a parent, a partner, or entrapreeur – we think that everything looks and is the same. But our world has changed but we are still looking at it through our old eyes – and they don’t give the true picture. Organizing your office when you are now sharing it in the same location as your home and personal life does change everything. It means seeing things from a new and completely different perspective. A lot of my work when I first start with clients is about getting them so “see” things in a new way. Not trying to fit the new life into the old perspective. Your life changes regardless of whether you see it or not. It’s all about perspective and learning to “see” in a new way. I promise I will never look at a driveway in the old way again!

I switched off the engine of the car. I had no idea what to say or if I should remain silent and wait for the dreaded news that I was a hazard on the road. He looked down at the form he had been taking notes on and said “Well, I have to tell you… you passed, congratulations”. Seriously, I was so stunned I didn’t even get excited. I looked at him as if he insane and said “Are you sure?” Apparently it was true. We shook hands and he hopped out of the car. I saw my driving instructor was making his way over to me. I opened the car door and fell flat on the ground – my legs had turned to jelly! I had to laugh then.

I mention this because it made me think about fear and why I had put off learning to drive so long. Well, I knew why. I had been in a few minor car crashes in my youth and also lost a favorite teacher at school because she was killed tragically in a car crash. And the subconscious conclusion I had come to then was that cars are like tanks and they kill people and animals. And this belief stayed with me my whole life!

Recently I started with a couple of new clients who remarked that they had put off calling me because they were too embarrassed or too frightened or waiting till they felt more positive about things. It’s very common for people to say to me “I know this is easy, I should be able to do it”.  Why do we fear asking for help with the basic things in life? Because they are basic and somehow we make the conclusion that if something is basic then it should be easy and not require any help.

I find that men feel less unease in asking for help with their home office or home than women do. As women feel we should have this “keeping house” down pat. But our offices, our jobs, our lives and our homes are more complex now than they were for our parents. Doesn’t mean that life wasn’t harder for our parents but the boundaries of the different roles they played in their lives were clearer. Sunny Bates explains it so well in this video post.

Sunny Bates on Linchpins, Passion and Fear from Seth Godin on Vimeo.

Putting off asking for help because of a belief system that says you should be able to do this on you own is limiting. It limits you from having the environment you need to thrive and relax in and it limits you in that it avoids growth and change occurring. Life always welcomes forward action.

What to Choose:

The two most effective time-management tools out there are;

1. Paper planner/calendar or

2. Electronic planner hand held/computer sync’ing device.

Desk agenda

It’s that simple. Seriously though what I mean in that statement is that you don’t have any post-it notes on the computer, magnets with reminders on the fridge, scribbles on napkins or multiple cute diaries and notebooks for each subject, room, briefcase or purse. One system, one tool. Effective time management starts with having it all in one place – your planner.

Paper or Hi-tech?

Think about your lifestyle: Honestly I think this is a very personal decision. You may not have a lifestyle that is full of meetings and appointments – your struggle with time is more about prioritizing than juggling. Or you may need both paper and technology. The trick is in defining what gets put on paper and what gets taken care of by technology. And remember when I say technology it’s not just whether you choose a blackberry, a palm or an iphone – it’s the applications you install on these devices that will really make the difference.

How many different aspects of your life are you trying to sync up? Are you juggling a busy career, family, hobby or higher education? If you have complex scheduling, particularly if it’s from different aspects of your life and locations then perhaps technology is the answer for you. On the other hand if you scheduling is not the problem but keeping track of what you’re doing and prioritizing then you may simply need an agenda.

Think before you choose: You need to think about how this piece of technology will work for you and how and where you will be using it.

1. How many people are involved in your scheduling network? Do you need a system that can be shared with others and different platforms? What is your major area of frustration when it comes to keeping your day on track? You need to look at your life before you look at how to schedule it.

2. Making time to keep on time. No system, whether it is paper or technology will work for you unless you routinely communicate with it, sync it with your computer and keep updating it. So, before you choose, think about the amount of time that you need to commit to maintaining it. If you are spending a lot of time co-ordinating your time and contacts then you might need to think about some kind of assistance – be it someone who works with you, or a virtual assistant.

3. Give it time to work! Give yourself time to really get to know all the bells and whistles that it comes with and invest that knowledge into how you use it and hang in there – it will take time.

4. Applications. The actual piece of technology you choose is only one aspect of getting on top of time-management. You need to also think about the applications (apps in tech lingo). You can do way more now than just send email, texts, keep contacts and have a calendar. There are a lot of apps out there and some of them are really cool.

I am visual, I scribble, take notes but until recently my scheduling was pretty simple so I had a desk diary/Notebook. I loved it. My lifestyle has changed now. I do a lot of traveling and juggling of my and my clients time. So, I now still have my paper desk diary which I look at every morning to get a “look” at the day and week (so that I can see the big picture). I also have a hand held piece of technology where all the addresses of appointments, contact information and times are logged. It also has a GPS so that I can have the map directions of where I am going. They are my needs and my priorities.

Apple iphone

Anyway, today I was baking bread for Christmas Day while also preparing lunch and entertaining a friend who had popped around with seasonal good tidings. She departed, the bread was in the oven and I looked at the mound of washing. I felt so overwhelmed! I didn’t know where to start so rather than doing everything I had been coached to do I just turned on the hot water, filled the cleaning pad with suds, put a tea towel on the counter and got down to it. All seemed to be going well. The “keep the water running” trick generally ensures that the dishes are clean and rinsed. There was water in the sink and the… forgotten it’s name… the plastic thing you fill with water to wash the dishes in… that was full of dirty dish water too. I emptied it into the water already in the sink.

Something was wrong… the sink filled with water… nothing drained. Nothing. I poked around where the drain is in the sink. There was a lid of a tin of tuna in the drain. Easy peasy. I tried to flip it out. Everything, I mean absolutely everything I did seem to seamlessly meld it to fit the drain perfectly. I had permanently pushed the damn thing in place and could not for the life of me get it out.

And do you know what this intense moment of embarassement, horror and confusion reminded me of? It reminded me of when I first meet a client and we walk into whatever area of their home or life is in a state of chaos. They have the same look on their faces as I had in my heart. “I know this should be easy, honestly I have tried but I just don’t know where to start, get depressed… so I leave the room and shut the door”. That was exactly what I wanted to do there and then. But you really can’t do much in a kitchen without a working sink. And, and… because I realised that every day in the work I do I help people to become ‘unstuck” I really should be qualified to do my own “unsticking”.

1. Stand back from the sink (or storage room or office or whatever is making you overwhelmed)! Stand back and take a deep breath. Don’t exit however.

2. Assess the facts. I have a lid from a tuna can stuck in the drain of the sink. I can’t see said lid or drain as the water in the sink is dirty. Knives, forks and fingers have not worked to leverage it out. The tuna lid is metal. The sink is metal. I can’t wash my dishes ever again.

3. Establish goal. I want to wash dishes in the future, drain pasta, and clean vegetables – therefore I want to get the tuna lid out of the drain. And I want to do it without calling my landlord.

4. Set a time line. I have to make a second loaf of bread so will need to wash dishes again soon. Time line is… has to happen NOW.

5. Define your talent areas. I am a great conversationalist. I am great a cleaning my home. I am great at organizing, I am great at fixing things (like machines, furniture etc) and I am developing a talent and taste for wine.

6. See what aspects of your talents shed light on the facts and then what aspects of your talents can facilitate your goals.

And hey presto!  The tuna lid was metal. Knives, forks and fingers had not worked to leverage it out of the drain. I needed to wash dishes in the future and I was good at fixing things (tools) and was developing a talent and taste for wine. I pulled my corkscrew out of the drawer, drilled it into the tuna lid and popped that piece of tin out the the drain in a blink of an eye!!!

We all get overwhelmed. Washing dishes will always unnerve me on some level but by stepping back from the situation while remaining in it I was able to find a solution.

Medical: Last night I was up sorting through Lorraine’s files taking a look at all the medical information on Roxanne: reports, assessments, doctors, prescriptions, medical research, support workers… a lot of information, all of it important. I was so keenly aware of how much information and knowledge Lorraine needs to have have in her head and at hand at any given time. So, when you are creating your medical files be very specific with your categories. Particularly when there are other children and family members. Try not to make any “catch-all” categories like – “Info”. It may take more time to set up but it’s worth it.

These are the categories I set up for Roxanne for example: Assessments, Doctors, Medication, Receipts and Medical Research. Your child might have different needs. For example there may be a number of specialists involved – some behavioral and others clinical. So your Doctors categories may look something like this: Doctors – Speech Therapist: Reports, Doctors – Speech Therapist: Excercises. Be specific.

Part 1 – 13th December

I was talking with a friend of mine, Lorraine, a single parent who has a 22 year old daughter who is special needs and she mentioned how she wanted to find more support for her and her daughter. Children are truly the greatest blessing in anyone’s life. That doesn’t mean that rearing them is easy . There never seems to be enough time or energy to stay on top of the “managing” – logistically – of their lives.

But when you have a child that is special needs, a disability, disease,  those demands; time, energy, resources and finances seem to spiral out of control. Your time is focused on immediate needs. I asked Lorraine if she wouldn’t mind showing me all her paper files. She looked so uncomfortable, so sad. “There are no “files” Isolde” she said, “there are just boxes and boxes of papers. I make sure I keep everything but I don’t have the time to sort them”.

After taking a look at all of Lorraine’s files and discussing all the demands of her day to day life I resolved to take up the challenge and use this blog to chronicle the many areas and needs of organizing the life of a child with special needs.

Some of Lorraine's boxes of papers

Categories for filing

Assessments – Medical and Educational: This needs to be kept up to date. Quite often when you are looking to qualify for care, transport, medical accessories, extra curricular activities and government programs you will need to reference these.

Education – Report cards, Schools, Contact information for students and school, Calenders, Correspondence: Roxanne also has a seizure disorder which means that some days Lorraine will be talking to the school a lot or keeping her home. It can be very difficult to keep up to date with every teacher and classmates. There are always forms to be filled out too and keeping on top of these can take up a lot of time particularly when there is medication involved which there is with Roxanne. Keep all the report cards but make sure you keep the other categories current or it can get very confusing when you need a name, number or form immediately.

Extra Curricular Activities: Choir, swimming, art, Summer Camp, Potential, etc: Keep this up to date so that you know when to renew programs. Roxanne is sooooo creative – her art is fantastic. She also has perfect pitch as a singer and can sing every song from the Wizzard of Oz! There are so many programs out there. what usually happens is that you see a flier on a new one that looks promising but forget where you put it when you got home. That’s why it’s important to have a “Potential” file. Put all those fliers, notes etc in there.