I passed my driving test! First attempt too. When I reversed the car into the parking space at the end of my test I was almost sick with dread and shame. I dreaded being told “You seem like a nice person but you and driving? Yea not a good mix. You failed – but that’s a good thing as the world is now a safer place. All the best with being a passenger!” And I was full of shame because here I am a mature somewhat intelligent woman in my 40’s only learning to drive now. Particularly in North America where most people learn in their teens.

I switched off the engine of the car. I had no idea what to say or if I should remain silent and wait for the dreaded news that I was a hazard on the road. He looked down at the form he had been taking notes on and said “Well, I have to tell you… you passed, congratulations”. Seriously, I was so stunned I didn’t even get excited. I looked at him as if he insane and said “Are you sure?” Apparently it was true. We shook hands and he hopped out of the car. I saw my driving instructor was making his way over to me. I opened the car door and fell flat on the ground – my legs had turned to jelly! I had to laugh then.

I mention this because it made me think about fear and why I had put off learning to drive so long. Well, I knew why. I had been in a few minor car crashes in my youth and also lost a favorite teacher at school because she was killed tragically in a car crash. And the subconscious conclusion I had come to then was that cars are like tanks and they kill people and animals. And this belief stayed with me my whole life!

Recently I started with a couple of new clients who remarked that they had put off calling me because they were too embarrassed or too frightened or waiting till they felt more positive about things. It’s very common for people to say to me “I know this is easy, I should be able to do it”.  Why do we fear asking for help with the basic things in life? Because they are basic and somehow we make the conclusion that if something is basic then it should be easy and not require any help.

I find that men feel less unease in asking for help with their home office or home than women do. As women feel we should have this “keeping house” down pat. But our offices, our jobs, our lives and our homes are more complex now than they were for our parents. Doesn’t mean that life wasn’t harder for our parents but the boundaries of the different roles they played in their lives were clearer. Sunny Bates explains it so well in this video post.

Sunny Bates on Linchpins, Passion and Fear from Seth Godin on Vimeo.

Putting off asking for help because of a belief system that says you should be able to do this on you own is limiting. It limits you from having the environment you need to thrive and relax in and it limits you in that it avoids growth and change occurring. Life always welcomes forward action.

I am crap at doing the dishes. It was always a kind of “back burner” kind of issue. I thought is was just one of those things; that most people really, really loved doing dishes. And though personally I never understood why this was so, I fully embraced all the offers of dish doing that occurred during my life. I don’t know who it was now but one day someone told me, very clearly, that I was terrible at doing the dishes. Anyhoo, time passed and during that time I committed to learning how to do the dishes. I even commandeered a good friend to give me lessons. Honestly. Like I am great at cleaning, gardening, cooking… organizing (of course!) but … I don’t know.. is there a talent for doing dishes? Is it a certain kind of “eye” you need for it? All I know is that when I do my dishes I have to concentrate and force myself to do them.

Anyway, today I was baking bread for Christmas Day while also preparing lunch and entertaining a friend who had popped around with seasonal good tidings. She departed, the bread was in the oven and I looked at the mound of washing. I felt so overwhelmed! I didn’t know where to start so rather than doing everything I had been coached to do I just turned on the hot water, filled the cleaning pad with suds, put a tea towel on the counter and got down to it. All seemed to be going well. The “keep the water running” trick generally ensures that the dishes are clean and rinsed. There was water in the sink and the… forgotten it’s name… the plastic thing you fill with water to wash the dishes in… that was full of dirty dish water too. I emptied it into the water already in the sink.

Something was wrong… the sink filled with water… nothing drained. Nothing. I poked around where the drain is in the sink. There was a lid of a tin of tuna in the drain. Easy peasy. I tried to flip it out. Everything, I mean absolutely everything I did seem to seamlessly meld it to fit the drain perfectly. I had permanently pushed the damn thing in place and could not for the life of me get it out.

And do you know what this intense moment of embarassement, horror and confusion reminded me of? It reminded me of when I first meet a client and we walk into whatever area of their home or life is in a state of chaos. They have the same look on their faces as I had in my heart. “I know this should be easy, honestly I have tried but I just don’t know where to start, get depressed… so I leave the room and shut the door”. That was exactly what I wanted to do there and then. But you really can’t do much in a kitchen without a working sink. And, and… because I realised that every day in the work I do I help people to become ‘unstuck” I really should be qualified to do my own “unsticking”.

1. Stand back from the sink (or storage room or office or whatever is making you overwhelmed)! Stand back and take a deep breath. Don’t exit however.

2. Assess the facts. I have a lid from a tuna can stuck in the drain of the sink. I can’t see said lid or drain as the water in the sink is dirty. Knives, forks and fingers have not worked to leverage it out. The tuna lid is metal. The sink is metal. I can’t wash my dishes ever again.

3. Establish goal. I want to wash dishes in the future, drain pasta, and clean vegetables – therefore I want to get the tuna lid out of the drain. And I want to do it without calling my landlord.

4. Set a time line. I have to make a second loaf of bread so will need to wash dishes again soon. Time line is… has to happen NOW.

5. Define your talent areas. I am a great conversationalist. I am great a cleaning my home. I am great at organizing, I am great at fixing things (like machines, furniture etc) and I am developing a talent and taste for wine.

6. See what aspects of your talents shed light on the facts and then what aspects of your talents can facilitate your goals.

And hey presto!  The tuna lid was metal. Knives, forks and fingers had not worked to leverage it out of the drain. I needed to wash dishes in the future and I was good at fixing things (tools) and was developing a talent and taste for wine. I pulled my corkscrew out of the drawer, drilled it into the tuna lid and popped that piece of tin out the the drain in a blink of an eye!!!

We all get overwhelmed. Washing dishes will always unnerve me on some level but by stepping back from the situation while remaining in it I was able to find a solution.